ei...

Ei,

this is the second time that i am making an entry for you in a week..pathetic huh? well, i decided to write gain since i had no idea what to actually do. i haven't spoken to you in days. the last time i got to speak with you was when i saw you before your day off..which was barely satisfying given the fact that we barely spoke. after that i knew nothing about what you were doing and how you were.

you know what hurts about all this is? i hate the fact that you take me for granted. i mean am i god only for if when you need something done? is it my fault? did i become too available for you that it was a no brainer any longer for you? knoing that i'll drop anything that i may be doing at a certain time just to make sure i get to be with you, o be at your beck and call. is that why you started laughing when you asked me to buy you a drink? kasi me alipin ka nga talaga.

i may rant all i want in this entry. after all, this i my blog, but i thought to myelf, nothing is going to change. you'll still treat me the same way. i'll till hurt. so i decided to just seize the moment that i can spend with you. just enjoy myself then let go..maybe thats all that i cn do..

A letter that will never be read

Ei..


I wish I'd have the guts to let you read this. But you said it yourself.. Ako na yata pinaka ma pride na taong nakilala mo. I'd never allow for you to find out how I really feel about you. I'm too goddamn scared to know that you don't feel the same and I am scared that even if I am not expecting anything from you, that you'd change when you find out.

It has always been a question in my mind if you ever felt anything for me. I've tried to go thru most of the things that happened the past few months (according to how I remember it) in my head and tried to figure out if it was just me misinterpreting the situation and the things you said. I really do not know. I asked people who were with you longer. I asked for an impression of how they saw you when we were together. They all said the same thing. That there was something. But how come I cannot completely feel it? Parang feeling ko niloloko mo lang ako,nag tritrip ka lang ba?

At the start of this all, you were the one who's more vocal. You'd tell people that I was your girlfriend. You'd joke about it with me. Heck, you even wanted me to go with you to a birthday party where I didn't know anyone. And you said that you'll introduce me as your girlfriend. There was even a time when you told me "oy di ako manhid ha, me feelings na ako sa yo di mo lang alam", then hid your face. I didn't know how to react to that. There was another time that you acted like you were upset with me kasi sabi ko I'd never have any malice pag dating sa yo. Dammit! I could not react to it because I didn't want to hurt somebody else. We both knew that someone very important to me liked you in a big way and I wasn't ready to be the one to hurt her.

Is it my fault that I never took you seriously? I was so scared to acknowledge the things that I saw right infront of me. I got burned so bad so many times before. I am not sure if all this is just playtime for you or if there was something that I missed somewhere? Nagsawa ka na ba? Was it my fault that I missed every opportunity that there was to clear out with you what is this that we have? I couldn't figure out kung ego mo lang yung umiiral. Heck, you told me so yourself, the last girlfriend that you had became your girlfriend kasi you just wanted to see kung gano ka kagaling. Nagawa mo na yun once, how am I to know na you weren't just doing the same thing to me? Sabi mo di ba? Ang sarap mg feeling ng lahat ng tao takot sa akin tapos ako takot sayo. Isn't that ego? Some sort of a power trip lang ba ako for you?

Did you ever feel anything more than friendship for me? Why do you act differently with me and say something completely off? You've never been lambing with anyone. You said so yourself. Kahit barkada mo. Putik, even your brother asked me if we were in a relationship kasi nalilito na daw sya.

Haaaaaaaaaaay.. you know I don't even know what the whole point of this letter is. I guess I just needed to ask the questions that will never get their answers. I am just so confused. I want to give you up completely. to act as if you never existed in my life but I can't. Sometimes I wish you'd be the one to make a way para magkahiwalay nalang tayo. Although I loved every moment of it..sometimes I wish we never became this close. Para walang masakit. Para hindi complicated. Back to just having our own lives..

It's just sad that I don't have the courage to just ask you staright out. Maybe that will clear out a lot of issues...oh well...oh and by the way, fuck you, I remembered that you mentioned that your ex girlfriend is coming home for a visit. I hope you didn't make the mistake of lying to me about your uncle coming home instead. I may love you a lot but I will not be used.

I do love you. maybe too much for my own good. Maybe one day I'd be able to ask you what I need to know. Maybe if I pray hard enough, maybe if I wish for it more than anyone can wish for something. Maybe if fairy tales do come true, then you could happen for me..If it is meant to be.

May

UNDERSTANDING IT

You know how that happens that you meet someone and miraculously bond..then have a "sort of relationship" with that person without meaning to?? Well, my friend Hanne and me are experts at this. Let me tell you more about it...who knows? You might be in the same PSEUDO PSYCHO relationship as we are and just don't know it...

You start out by hanging out a lot. You go for something simple like eating out, having coffee. Having a couple of drinks. Watching movies. You just have pure simple fun. Lotsa laughs and all.

Then people start noticing it. Specially your circle of friends. You start seeing them with funny stares, see them with this "what's up with these two" looks between them when they see you have a discussion or being sweet with one another. And of course, you deny it to yourself.

Then you move on to having deep, meaningful talks. Talks that would make you closer. Stuff about each other are revealed. You tend to gravitate towards one another wherever you guys are. Be it within the company of the same friends with the "looks" or with some new guys ( who'd end up having the "look" as well), but mind you..everybody is too polite to ask what's up. Nobody would havethe guts to ask you straight out. But everyone will be talking about the two of you...And still you deny it to yourself...

You start getting possessive and dictatorial with one another. When to go out, who to go out with, where to go all of a sudden needs to be discussed. When one goes out without letting the other know, then a small scale argument occurs. Each of the two would start using what you know of the other's past as leverage when a discussion starts to gain point. All of a sudden something as simple as eating something that you're not supposed to eat needs to be asked permission for...Cute you think? Well, yeah, somehow...tweetums!

Then someone would have the guts to ask you regarding the guy. Ask you about the relationship that you have. Since you don't have a concrete one, then you vehemently deny it. Making you a liar as far as they are concerned.

Now because of this discussion, you now start trying to figure out what the heck has been going on. Now you look back and try to think about the things that were said and done. The things that were previously igored, but ashindsight might have meant something?

Then...BAM! It hits you. You are attracted to the guy. In a big way. Now you realize why the treatment was special for that particular person. And here comes hell as well. You're now definitely confused whether the guy likes you in a "boy-girl" way, or is the guy just really comfy with you. Of course, prode, being one of the 7 deadliest sins, you'd never ask him about it and instead just continue being how you are with him and just hope that maybe someday, he'd start feeling the same way for you.

Of course, this ain't a fairy tale. You aren't Cinderella and he's not Prince Charming. He goes out with his friends. He brings you along. You see him flirt with another girl. What do you do? Walk out. Not because you're not up to the challenge but because you're too afraid for the truth to be seen..that you're about to die because of jealousy but can't do anything since you have no right whatsoever. Ugh!

So you go on, still be the lady in his life whenever he doesn't have one present. Try all you can do to make him see that you're actually good for him. And again, hope, just hope that one day he sees you in a different light. Maybe see you as someone who deserves more than just a pseudo relationship. Hope that maybe one day he sees that you deserve the kind of love that you give. Hope that maybe someday, he'll ask you to be his.

I still don't understand what this is all about. I just described what I have for you. Maybe you are in this same kind of rut? And maybe, instead of what I originally planned that I give you an insight about this and how to go about it, maybe you can do that for me???

Events

Haven't done an entry since July of 2005 if I remember right.. didn't have time to...let me try and tell you why...


Got promoted as Quality Coach for MSN TS in July 2005. Yay! We were trained for 3 days and then thrown into the fire right away...this ain't an easy feat. You think watching Mama Vhinnie, Mama Jack and the rest of the Quality team that this job is a walk in the park?? Ooooh boy! Was I wrong in assuming that! It was fun during training.. didn't need to think about anything else but learning the craft...little did I know that learning the craft was just the tip of the iceberg...In fact, come to think of it, I knew how it worked before I was trained..heck, I'm prouyd to say that I am one of the better agents on the produiction floor then...Now comes the hard part..Imparting to the agents what you know and how to develop them into thinking like you do when it comes to the product and how to support the issues entailed when you subscribe to it.. Unfortunately, not everyone has the same speed in grasping the idea...I was an agent once. I know for a fact that no one really listens o the coach. Being coached was just rest time for them.. Sad, but true.. I don't take offense in that, I just wish that there was more that I can do. Come to think of it, the job isn't even hard. The calls can be frustrating that's for sure, but how to move up in the MSNTS world isn't. I just want them to follow my steps, do well as an agent, do all the sacrifices, make a name for yourself and then reap the benefits afterwards! Ugh! Why cant they get that???

Anyway, life went on.. was a coach ( and was miserable at it ) it was kind of hard for me since I was osing my eyesight...slowly..you wanna understand how it was for me? Try this, put on eye ointment, then close your eyes for about a minute til the ointment gets totally spread inside the eyes. then try to look at something thru all that haze. That's how I saw things. It was not very alarming at first. I as still able to recognize stuff, can still read without that much ffort. Can drive. see faces. I did tell my opthalmologist about it...gave me a prescription for prism glasses. Was told that my brains getting screwed because the eye muscles are swollen and the eyes cannot focus well and all that...it was the doctor who said it so I didn't think there was any reason to doubt it. Then it started to deteriorate more. It cam to a point that I had to use a point 22 font just so I can read my stuff. Got to a point wherein as I was driving up a sloping street, I actually thought that there was a lot of traffic..when I got to the top of the road though was when I realized that it were streetlamps! I cannot see faces any longer, nor could I even read my own text messages. I had to ask someone for help all the time. People got to know what I was up to. And as what Ian finally noticed, I would call someone instead whenever there was a text mesage that I received that I could not let him read. Life was just pure hell. I became incompetent at my post. I could no longer finish tasks assigned to me in a regular work week. I cannot do anything in excess of what I was expected to do minimally. Again, it was plain and simple hell..

Then came a time when I was in real good sprits when I came home from work ( which I will later explain at a different entry why) when the girlfriend of kuya noticed that I could not read well. it triggered an alarm in her head and asked me to visit another opthalmologist, which I did. and coming home from that meeting changed my life forever. Roel was the ex of Olive who is kuya's girlfriend. Told me that mine was hopeless, that all I needed to do was to wait till the world goes completely dark. Hearing that hurt real bad but I could not show it. I've always made sure that no one sees how I really feel. Right there and then, I decided to accept that fact, I was going blind and cannot do more than that Didn't plan on telling mom and dad. They have too much on their hands already. Dad just came out of the hospital and mom is sick as well.. I turned to one other person. I just cried my eyes out and he as able to say the perfect thing "ammm...pasensya ka na ha, di ko alam kung anong sasabihin ko e. Di ko pwedeng sabihing ok lang yan kasi hindi sya ok." These words were perfect. It was the only thing I needed to hear to start laughing out loud. He was right. No one could possibly be able to say anything that would comfort me. No one really knows what I am going thru. No one would ever know what it feels to go blind, slowly. and just come to terms with it...worst part of all. live with it.

Weeks on intensive testing came. We met Dr. Henson. unfortunately he wasnt accredited by my healthcard so I had to turn to someone else. Then we met Dr. Alfonso Bengson. he was God given to us I believe. God's gift for Mom who incessantly prayed to the Black Nazarene for my eyesight to be given back. 3 weeks after my first meeting with him. I was scheduled to undergo an "ORBITAL DECOMPRESSION". Laymans terms, they'll make an incision in the soft part of my eye, fracture the walls of my eyes, drill into the skull to remove bones and take out fat and muscles. at first it was even funny for me to tell people about it when they go about asking me on what would be done. After the doctor told me about the operation schedule though. I could laugh at it any lnger. I think this is about the most scared phase that I ever was in my life. I still needed to show strength though, for my mom. She was the most affected person in the family.


Then came the "DATE". As the clock ticked closer to the scheduled hour, I got more and more scared. Ate passed by in the morning before she wet to work. I spoke with sweetie in the morning. Called hon a few minutes before I was taken to the operating room. Dad and kuya of course were with mom. You know what the biggest surprise was? Tito Tony. I was never really close to him. I was just another niece. It suprised me so much that he went to the hospital twice. When I was ablout to be taken inside the operating room, it surprised me to see him about to cry. I never knew that he loved me that much. Tita Fides in the midst of her own pain and discomfort just coming from her chemo session was there. Making me laugh and trying to make me forget about the fear. I spoke with Ate literally seconds before the nurse transferred me to the stretcher. When I was at the room waiting to be prepared, I was praying...so much. My words were running over each other. Then I stopped and realize, there was just one thing left for me to say. "thy will be done". Then I slept. I awoke with a touch on my leg. A scrub nurse asked me who my doctor was. I replied and on cue, Dr. Bengzon appeared at my side. He asked me if I was scared, and I said yes. All he sad is that all is up to them now and I just need to relax and let them do their work.

It took maybe less than a minute after the anesthesia was stuck into me before I passed out. I awoke with a jolt of panic hours later. I knew that my eyes were open but it was pitch black. I calmed myself down and realized I had patches on. I started to speak and a nurse came to my side giving me this switch that I needed to press on for more (ya man!!) drugs if I was in pain. I fell asleep again I guess. after a while the nurses asked me if I wanted to go back to my room.. I was like hell yeah. I wanted my family to see me and know that I was ok.

The first voice that I heard when they brought me to my room was Ate. All she said was "hi" and kissed me. They carried me to my bed. Took turns holding my hands. Ate called Ian for me and Tabs I think. texted Peaches to inform her of what went on. Barfed twice and fell asleep again. I wasn't in a lot of pain really. Wasn't a big surprise as well though since I have high tolerance for pain. But boy.. one week of having an IV in the same vein and getting medicines pumped into that same vein every 4 hours makes it sore. I ended up crying terribly when they needed to inject meds into the IV. Sheesh.

Now I am out of the hospital.. Am at home and am trying to recover. Each time I wake up, I would first check if my eyesight is the same. Wishing and hoping that everything turns out fine. that I don't go thru the hell of not being able to see well...

feel this...

Pain is hurting, willout letting anyone know.
Pain is wanting to scream and shout but need to keep your mouth shut.
Pain is knowing that you can never turn back time.
Pain is looking at someone and feel so much love and disappointment at the same time.
Pain is knowing that you tried to do your best, but it wasn't seen as done for the greater good.
Pain is not being able to say how you feel, for fear of hurting more.
Pain is being scared of what happens next, and for not knowing what will happen.
Pain is letting go because it is not working out.
Pain is giving all that you've got...and still be on the losing end.
Pain...it's all that I feel.

Changes

Change is constant, no one can contes that. Things happen. People change. Sadly though, some things that happen change people. it changes how people see other people. You look at someone and not see them in the same light. It hurts. Deeply. You'd always wish you can go back to where you started from. To freeze time so you'll always be in the same ecstaticc feeling you had then. To be in the same moment when you believed that everything was perfect. It is a dilemna. It brings pain. Smile if you would, but it'll never reach the eyes. The lips that carries the smile, if you look closely will show the sadness that is so hard to mask. It hurts. deeply. The question now is, how to live with it. Do you go back and try to live in the perfect world that is just a fantasy? Or live in the real world and conquer the sadness? Make yourself happy with the thought of the not-so -long -ago happiness?

Pain

Monday May 30, 2005

Saw Butch today…told me that Richard asked him to tell me that he was sorry he hasn’t gotten the chance to see me nor call me..said that he was just really busy. Man, if there’s a will, there will always be a way. How can you be too frigging busy to make a simple phone call to someone who has stood by your side, right or wrong. The very person whom you’ve hurt endlessly and still chose to believe you when you say that you love her and that you will never forget her..and yet that is the same person whom you forgot in a months’ time.

I felt like bawling.. I felt sad that mah sistah wasn’t here. It feels so unfair that I’ve gone thru hell just to keep this relationship working. Is it too much to ask for him to at least acknowledge the fact that I am alive, and waiting?? It hurts to know that I’ve made the wrong decision once more… I knew it, I asked him if we should just break up since he was leaving…he refused. He said that there was no point in doing that. Then what the hell is this? This is worse than if he just broke up with me after I admitted to him that something went on with me after he left.

How can someone be so insensitive? I ask for so little. When I give, it is not because I expect to be given the same..I just like spoiling people and treating them nicely because it feels really great to see someone’s face light up and it’s because of something you did for them…

I don’t get it, as I said I ask for so little and yet, why does it seem real hard for me to be really happy? I may be strong but I can only take so much…I’ve given up completely. Nothing matters.

Messages and questioning myself

Saturday, may 28

As usual, waited for mah sistah and mah sweetie. A daily routine should never be skipped!!! Sweetie and I waited for Hannebee to arrive with her friends, then off we went…Drinking…just 1 combo for sweetie and me…Hanne??? Nah! She becomes such a chatterbox when she drinks! Hahaha love ya sistah!

Then came “the text message”. Butchichi texted me saying that Richard was with him…they went out…Padi’s Point. Drinking… He was maybe trying to find out if I would ask to speak with Richard…why would I? He has been here for a month now and has never attempted to speak with me. Never asked him to see me, I expected that…would a simple phone call or sending a text message kill him?? I wanted so much to call just to get to speak with him, but pride gets in the way…besides, after being abandoned…what is the point of me making myself look stupid...again?

Then came “the guy”..told him we were just across the street if he wants to come down for his break…and follow he did. Despite being wary of sweetie, I decided to take the risk. I know he’ll not mind. I just wanted to spend some time with him. Wanted to find out as well, if I can get my shoes!!! Hahaha Just had fun, talking, sneaking some things past sweetie’s stares. End of break. Got a message asking if I can bring his smokes upstairs. Left it beside my bag. So I texted back in a joking manner that I won’t unless we get it on. No guts no glory right?! Then came “another text message” (when will I ever stop receiving these?!) he goes… “I’ve been thinking about that but I won’t cheat on “the girll”…bam! That just did it for me. I never asked to start this…he was the one who asked me when we went over to his house…then I end up getting bullshit when he had a conscience attack. I wasn’t the one who was begging for dear life to get it on!!!

I ended up questioning myself..what the hell is it about me that makes these assholes treat me this way? Is it me or are they just plain assholes? Is it my fault that when I love, I love selflessly? I’ve been called a lot of things by people I trust most with the details of my life because of this…the say I’m so tanga to keep on staying with "the guy" despite the way he treats me. I sincerely thnk he has changed, but why the hell do I feel like he just uses me for whatever purpose it serves him? And Richard…the whole 6 months that he was working out of the country, I never failed in making sure that we get to talk every week. Spending thousands just to get to talk to him never bothered me.. I knew he needed me to boost his spirits. Every time he felt bad it was me he would call, then ask to be called back so he can save his prepaid card minutes to call the kids..simply because he knew that I wouldn’t mind.

Am I just plain stupid not to see that people I’ve loved most are just using me to their advantage? Am I that dense not to see what’s right in front of my face? Am I enjoying this unknowingly? Is there something wrong with me? What the fuck is wrong with me that I end up getting used and abused by people whom I believed would at least treat me kindly. The one person I loved almost half of my life has screwed me up so badly that I’ve lost all faith that I had in the sanctity of a relationship. “The guy” was the only other person I learned to trust after Richard…the sad thing is that he burned me real bad that I am not able to see the glory of being in a relationship with someone again. The sad thing is that I never expected anything from him.. I was fine with the way things were…until he decided to go one step further. I am not blaming him for what happened between us…But I blame him solely for the pain I felt because that was all on him.

Am I stupid? What is wrong with me???I have never been insecure at all in my life. I was always told that the best gift you can give yourself is believing that you can do anything. Confidence is the key…but after all the heartaches…I lost all confidence that I have inside of me.Will I be good enough for someone to love me? To take me as I am and not expect me to be perfect ? Will I be good enough for someone to see that I am human, I love and can feel pain?

Will I be ever good enough for anyone?

A night of fights

Time for fun…new acquaintances…and then the fights…

Lets go..to the batcave! Hahaha 1920, I guess is our new batcave!
It started out fine..Marco, my new chikamate…my sister in crime, sweetie and his date..notice something? Yep! There’s one person missing…Bugoy.

He texted us earlier in the day…said that he was going out and to just let him know where we were…Yah, admittedly he never said that he will come, but neither did he say that he wasn’t. Things proceeded as usual..Hanne and me laughing our hearts out, Marco getting culture shocked! Hahaha and of course, the little boy and his charming smile, continually having its effect on his date.

Then Bugoy texts my sister…kept apologizing…for what? For not being with us. To think that we we’re trying really hard to think of a way to get to him so that we can be together. Bj even said he’ll fetch him. The came “THE TEXT”…Bugoy says to Hanne that he doesn’t want to be with us. Ayaw na daw yang manloko, ayaw na din nya lokohin sarili niya…How hurtful can a person be?

It hurts me so much that it was so easy for him to say that…Long before everything came out, we were the one who’s friends…and then just because he couldn’t contain what he was feeling, I have to suffer too??? I never give up on friends easily. Come hell or high waters, I’ll be there for you..Why is he giving up that easy??? Why can’t we be the same fun group that we used to be?

Why?

Wednesday, May 25

Another drinking night! Yahoo! Excited…Libis was too far but then, for as long as we’re drinking…why not! My sister and I had plans of our own…we were excited about getting SHOES! Hahaha it was a fun day altogether…

Libis : Grilla! Red horse, Squid! Then the shoes…what’s the big fuss about the shoes? Aren’t we allowed to get shoes? If boys can get it , why can’t we?

There’s something seriously wrong with this set up…it didn’t used to be this way when we went out, that we had to be careful about what we say in front of the other…

Bugoy, what the hell is wrong with you??? You were my partner in making things light…we never stop laughing when we’re together. Why the sudden change? BJ, what’s up little boy? We were having fun! Then Bugoy gets upset all of a sudden.. BJ started to be moody…si BJ na sobrang sweet, na sobrang gentleman at sobrang chivalrous, inaambahan lang kami ni hanne…nag dirty finger pa sa akin halos! What’s up bro?!

Where are our boylets who always laughs with us??? This wasn’t such a fun night after all…